I saw Ari last night for a drink after work. It was nice. Then stilted. Then akward. No action. I ran out of small talk and was left with nothing but a confusing glob of emotions. I had trouble looking him in the eye, I think because I didn't want him to see what was in my head. I predicted wanting to make out with him, but there was way too much intereference from other parts of my brain for anything so obvious to surface. Our affection for each other can't cross the distance, at least not yet. As before, I deperately wanted a thaw, a release of honest feelings, mutual understanding. It's hard to do without taking our clothes off. We can't do it sitting across the table. I told him how I was, as honestly as I could, but still I felt we couldn't quite find each other. Some embarassing Oprah-quoted woman said "Never let sex do the work of love, or love do the work of sex." I thought about that as I lay anxiously in my bed trying to fall asleep last night.

I wanted to cry, just to bleed out a little pain and fear. I woke up too early, feeling alone. I went to get coffee, to see new faces, but none of them gave me hope. God I want something to make spring out of bed in the morning. It doesn't have to be a boy. It could be anything, a book, a job, a garden.