Keeping track of my moods? I would say I'm skating the line between mild depression and early spring optimism. I suppose I'm on a mildly upward trajectory thanks to my new 10am alarm clock policy (don't laugh, I get off work at midnight!), reduced self-medication, and continued ardor in swimming and working out.

I think the last bit is problematic in the sense that I am trying to improve my self-image by making muscles stick out a little more, which feels a little deperate and sad, BUT the fact that it makes me feel healthier makes up for that. I just don't want to be an over-30 gay male who spends all his spare time trying to compensate for each year past 28. Youth seems so long. I have been a young person forever. But the fact is, I'm almost at the end of the line, in gay terms, or straight female terms. If you are out of youth, you can work out a lot, get rich, publish something, become a bear, or get spiritual and say the material world is meaningless. Remaining 28 is not an option. David Bowie is still 60 even if he plays with the Arcade Fire.

Can I take a time out here, and tell you I am not proud to be preoccupied with these matters? The sad fact is, having just broken up with a beautiful 26 year old, I wonder if that was my last chance to be with someone who's looks make me swoon. I am poor. I have a humble job. But that's kind of sexy with a beautiful boyfriend. Without beauty, it feels more pathetic. Instead of a romantic bohemian, I am an aging stoner.

Again, I hope you applaud my honesty rather than recoil at my lack of values or maturity. Shouldn't I be giving myself Oprah-like affirmations and wanting to be with the right person who values my soul, no matter what they look like? Maybe when I'm 44.

But at 33, here me you, universe - I deserve a really hot guy who is the right person for me and values my soul. He will be tall and lanky, with out-sticking ears, a prominent adam's apple, and high-contrast hair-to-skin. He will not be bearded, or have a prince albert, or sniff poppers. A little gut is fine. You were pretty close with the last one, universe, but the next one has to be a little nicer.

Is that way, way too much to ask for? Ok, you don't have to be tall and lanky. You can be tall and stocky, or short and not stocky. You have some lee-way here, universe.