It has been as obvious to me as it has been to anyone reading closely, that Ari and I had to break up, at least once. And so this morning we did. There were so many fuzzy answers to what we should do, and one big terrible clear answer, it couldn't be avoided.

We never really settled into couplehood. We never found our natural groove. I always felt it was almost right there, one more layer of rust to remove. I still feel that way. I feel that if Ari and I were linked forever, we would be a marvelous couple, but it might take a few years for that to happen. The thing is he has so many wonderful qualities, I would be willing to stick it out. This feeling in my heart doesn't come around very often, and I don't want to throw it away.

I don't feel like it's over. I don't think he does either. Nevertheless, it may be. Is this always how it feels? I have never broken up with someone I loved feeling it was mandatory. It always feels like I might be losing something for no good reason.

I love him. He is beautiful and complicated, and unlike anyone I've ever known. When I am curled up with him I would gladly be dipped in amber and stay frozen in that moment forever. This is what my heart says.

My head says, he's immature, overly judgemental of people, too sure of his own beliefs to listen, too stuck in a high-school era group of friends, too self-indulgent to grow, too lazy to be my boyfriend. Often, when we're together, it feels cool and akward. Sometimes I am not proud of how he treats me, and I'd be embarrased if my friends knew that he never gave me a christmas present, hasn't given me a compliment for no reason in ages, hasn't shown symptoms of being excited about me.

But my heart rips through and says NO No No NO NO NO! I want him, I can't stand the thought of being without him, of him continuing to bounce from guy to guy never making a commitment, when with some effort he could be a man and be with me.

Be with me damn it! I'm everything you need, and all I need you to do is realize it and be comfortable with it. But I can't make you not 26. I can't make you 31 and ready for me.

And I don't want to tell you any of this because I want to wake up tomorrow, put all the pieces of me and Ari back together and nobody has to know about the dreadful mistake we made this morning.

I really resent the world right now.