I can go from gloomy rain to bright sunshine in 30 minutes, especially when I hear his voice telling me it's ok. Everything that seemed all wrong, alone in my head, feels all right again.

There are a lot of Bhuddist teachings that seem sort of un-understandable. They sound like they hold some kind of weight, but nothing off my shoulders. But there is one spooky tenet that seems more true to me every year - there is no difference between success and failure. Both are illusions, artifacts of desire. I want to get from this lousy place, to some other brilliant place, and then I will be happy. Success. Or failure.

So it supports my thesis of the month, there is no all-right, no all-wrong. That's why good news and bad news feel equally real and equally false. And that's why I have to defer to the most basic belief of all - there is only love. Love is the only thing that matters.

What nobody can deny, not I, my friends, or Ari himself, is the warm wonderful feeling in my stomach when we're together. That feeling cannot be faked, and in my life I have decided not to throw it away. It can be overwhelmed by external circumstances, it doesn't gaurantee we will work as a couple, but it remains real and worthwhile. By most accounts, including mine, it's the most worthwhile feeling available on earth.

I didn't throw away my feelings for Joe to protect myself, knowing that he would probably die. And the only way I made it through was to blur my eyes to success or failure. I never said he was going to die or going to live. I only knew it felt good to be with him. In in the end, when he died, of course I felt no regret, of course I didn't waste my time.

So please, self, let's not despair in rain or rejoice in sun, but know that both will pass, both will return. Trying to understand this, I think, will bring me some peace.