I had a good date with Ari last night, Fonda and Albany Sauna. I was utterly relieved when he walked into the restaurant, leaned down and kissed me. Just to sit and eat, talk and laugh brought warm blood back into my heart.

Later soaking in the tub, I felt strange. I knew beforehand I would expect hot makeout session, but I didn't quite feel like it. There was too much of my past few days looming behind me. This was time to lie and soak and let go. But my mind often works against me, and soon I was looking for signs that he wanted or didn't want to make out with me. Neither of us were feeling frisky, but that didn't matter. It seemed in my ideal world that a make-up date should include sex, so the wonderful happy feeling of calm and fond connection was replaced with worry. This date is not going to answer all my questions, or his either.

But this is what I agreed to in my contract with myself. I can't stop the fear and doubt, but I can let it pass through me, be OK with it, stop fussing and be present. I need to pull back to see the whole picture. When I wake up and see it's raining, I don't assume it will rain for the rest of my life. But emotionally, when I see a single cloud I start planning for the flood.

This boy is worth doing the work to get stronger. I see inside me the same fears that have crept into every serious relationship I've had. You want to leave me. You are bored with having sex with me. There are scores of other hotter people who have more in common with you than I do. There is something fundamentally wrong with me that I can't see, but will eventually cause you to leave me. Dread dread dread.

If I want to prove these fears true, I can come up with the evidence. Nobody's ever totally sure about being with someone. Nobody is horny all the time. There are people who are hotter than you, and people more like your mate than you. Worst of all, yes, you are flawed, deeply flawed, maybe in a way that you will never fix. Maybe in a way that makes you hard to be with.

But all this will always be true, with everyone you'll ever be with. So I will let the dread creep over me, make me feel sweaty and worried, and then let it leave me without stealing my blood.

We had a good date, and I hope we have some more and see what happens. And I will work to become a slightly better person.