I should tell you about the monkeys, elephants, camels, the many forms of paneer, the adorable little indian kids, the crushing chaotic crowds, the horrible smells, the vibrant colors, etc. But right at the moment I am not in the moment. I want to be home, in my own space, because I have none here, and it is extremely difficult for me to live without it.

I am with my mom and my brother's friend Drew all the time. Now my brother has arrived. I love all of these people, but I am discovering that without time by myself, with silence, my brain starts to shut down. Drew is a bartender, and one of the most socially adept people I know. He entertains everybody. I am pretty sure my mom would rather hang out with him than me. They tease me for being quiet. I just want to be quiet, and I resent being embarassed about it.

I feel like I am missing an organ, the one that makes people want to be around people and connnect all the time. When I look back across my life I see how different I am. There are plenty of quiet, sullen people in the world without much to say. The difference is I am not sullen, and I have many thoughts in my head. I am not dull or stupid. I just have a hard time opening initial connections with people. I can't see the point in talking to someone about how Bush is a bad man. Of course he is! We all know that. But that is not why people talk about it. They talk so they can talk. People swim in the chatter, and it barely matters what is said. I do not have contempt for this chatter, far from it. I just can't engage in it.

At parties and bars and crowded third world nations, people look at me and see an uptight guy. I look uncomfortable, like someone with a terrible body at the beach not wanting to take his shirt off. To continue this stupid analogy, my body is not so bad, but maybe once I was teased for being fat and I can't bear the bright sun on my pale skin.

Woe is me. I should be telling you about the unbelievable poverty I see every day, and how that makes my petty problems look like luxury. But instead I will tell you how much I want to spend a day alone and enjoy myself without all these people staring at me wondering what's wrong.

BTW- My trip on the whole is going great and I'm having a lot of fun. This is a thin slice which doesn't capture the whole. I am better at portraying anxiety than wonder.