I should remember that weekends and boyfriends do not make my problems disappear. Where I was weak before, I am weak now, I just have a different schedule, and a man to play out my insecurities with. But, BUT what is new is that there is someone I want to get stronger for. And also my biggest excuse (valid, to a point) for being a passive socializer is gone.

I want to get stronger. What weekends and boyfriends give me is inspiration and energy. But I still need to get up and to make a change, or else I will end up back where I was, wishing I had a boyfriend and a better schedule or more money or whatever outside thing I think will pull me out of whatever swamp I'm in.

I need to push myself forward. I want to treat my body better. I want to build strength so that I can stand upright. I don't want to slump over and whimper and wait for someone to come help me.

I am reading Moby-Dick, at last. Every time I pick it up, at least one thing I read sticks in my heart. Today it was from Father Mapple's sermon on Jonah.


And if we obey God, we must disobey ourselves, and it is in this disobeying of ourselves, wherein the hardness of obeying God consists.


Even though my understanding and belief in god is far from settled, this sounds right. It sounds like what modern 'spirituality' loses by rejecting words like 'hard' and 'obey'. I have slowly learned that being obedient to myself mostly makes me fat and lazy. I know what I need to stop doing, and start doing, and I hope I have the strength to do it.